big fish

the little fish knows it

Driving

Driving to a country bakery (as I often do), sun shining warm, bright, and beautiful upon newly green fields and roadside grasses, the air smelling of earthworms and freshly cut wood, I was suddenly struck by a familiar longing for her presence beside me in the car. This time it was of such force and quality I was brought to the verge of tears.

In the spring new life blooms and winged lovers tumble to earth, wrapped in feathered embraces.  Emerald green shoots force themselves up through mucky roadside marshes, somehow spotlessly reaching for golden light.  Clouds tower to unfathomable heights, impossible complexities of shadow and luminance, shaming kingdoms and gods in their majesty.

window

When I was a little boy I remember passing by other cars on the highway as my father drove us to Sunday school, the beach, or to visit grandparents.  I would look at the passengers as we pulled beside them.  It was a way to pass the time before the existence of handheld video games or mobile phones.  Once, as my eyes scanned the occupants of a car, I saw a little girl looking back at me, perhaps doing the same thing.  As we gazed at each other I suddenly felt an inexpressible bond form between us.  I sat up to see her better, and she did the same.  The cars moved away and then she was gone.

I never knew if she felt the bond I felt.  I liked to imagine she did.  There was no promise there.  There was no formal commitment or goal.  There was only a moment of contact.  That single moment in time felt like it meant everything.  There was an immanence there, an appearance of something on the plane of our gaze.

I've had the feeling since, not in passing cars, but a gaze shared beneath the blue sky and waving green grass.  I know what that feeling is now and can name it as love.  Did you know you don't get to choose the occupants of the cars you pass?

Begin here

Cole

there are no promises in this life
not even life itself
Cole was 11 months old when
he died of leukemia
how many prayerful nights his
parents sat watching his
tiny form
happy child brought down into
the grave
newly born dead before the
end of your first year