On Sex and Love (letter)

Sex, like many other acts, can be reduced to its barest (pun intended) physiological form: in this case, bodies stimulating the genitals of other bodies.  Why is this done?  There are many reasons.  Usually it is because this stimulation feels good.  Sometimes however it may be for reasons of power, violence, despair, intoxication, need for affirmation, loneliness, etc. 

But the question concerned sex and love.  At first this seems rather straightforward.  One has sex with one’s partner because one loves him/her, i.e. sex is a natural consequence of deep-seated feelings of mutual affection.  I should point out that sex is only one natural consequence of this affection.  Perhaps this is only too obvious, but it may surprise some to know there are lovers who never have sex.  I have heard of celibates, for example, who live their lives deeply in love with one another and yet never engage in sexual intercourse.  I have heard other celibates say that even caressing their lover’s arm can send both partners into a kind of orgasmic ecstasy.. a kind of sexual intercourse without what one would normally think of as the sex act. 

A professor and friend once told me that given enough time, any two people, no matter what their gender, trapped on a desert island alone, would have sex with one another if given enough time.  I throw that out there to reflect on.  Quite probably he’s right.  Coupled with one’s biological need for sex (and I do think there is one), social/psychic forces form a very powerful impulse.  Of course, given a choice, I already know who I would prefer to be trapped with on a desert island…

Now if the question involved morality and sex, I would have much more to say about this.  I will say I believe love sanctifies the sex act insofar as it affirms the love relation.  Here I use “sanctify” in the sense of a kind of legitimation.  But there is no need for recourse to the gods, religious law, or to the state’s marriage act.  These are merely usurpers and tumours.  As you know, only Two are required to form the basis of a love relation, and these alone have the right to make any kind of affirmative declaration, either between the sheets or otherwise.